IT IS A PAINFUL AFFAIR

When I am home I am happy with my secret
It embraces me and keeps near

In public it confronts me
It hits me. It is hard
Outside it reminds me
It nags me
It irks me
Outside I am an outsider
Outside it reminds me
It stops me from smiling
It says, "weirdo you are not normal. You are not one of us"
It shuts me up
It gags me
It restricts me

The hateful glare of judgment keeps me glued to my secret

At home the walls don't judge
They don't have a look of disdain and disgust about them
They are silent and cold
But my secrets stays close
It spoons with me. It is warm
We have our problems
We fight
Then we remember
I'm nothing without it
 I am a freak without it
That I need to keep it
I embrace it and we make out

It is an opera, isn't it?

I need to tell you
My secret is abusive
It is intrusive
It doesn't want me to have friends
It doesn't want to leave me alone
I don't want it to leave


This poem was written by a close friend Takatso... I see the talent burning inside you, please answer the calling...

Keep going, Move with Patience

2012 I learned the Value of moving towards the light with patience. After 17 years of schooling and working, with no break in between my life came to a stand still for about 8 months. It was total darkness and I kept on believing in the light that seemed like a small shiny star at the end of the tunnel. I read as many inspirational books just to keep away from the negative questions that kept running in my mind. But then I remembered my motto in life, Move. If I had to get to the light I had to keep moving and believing that I will get to the light.

If you don’t move, then you are not going to get anywhere. I recall a time in 2011, when I asked one of my colleague at a company I was volunteering what was her motto and she said; “never get too comfortable” and when she asked me what was mine, I said MOVE! Yes, one word with just four letters.  Move, a word so small and yet it has a great impact in my life. I believe that in order to know our true potential, and know who we really are, what we can become and what we are made of, we need to move. In order for a person to move, he or she needs to be motivated.

September I came face to face with the light and I thank GOD for the blessings in my life and I still believe that more will come my way sometime in the future.  

The worst thing I ever did.

It is January 25^th, 2011. My bus arrives in the mother city and everything looks just as it is on the catalogue. It is official, I have arrived at my destination and I have 6 hours to register, check in at the newly built student residence.

Once registration was complete, I took a look at my watch and it was 15:20, there was no time to waste. I was left with 40 minutes to check-in, and I had to make it fast. With no time for taking a breath I dragged my bag across the campus, trying to keep up with time.

When I got to there I found a long line. This is where I met the Stranger whom I made a friend, later he became my best friend then turned into the enemy. He became the biggest mistake I have ever done. He was born in the Eastern Cape and grew up in the dusty streets of Strandfontein in the Western Cape. Just like everybody else he had a dream to become something, with that goal in common we stood in line and an hour later we found ourselves in front. I had received a single room since I was a post graduate student, and he shared with three others. Much later, I made the effort to make him my friend and trust him with my whole life and possessions even though I had just known him for a month, and that was the biggest mistake I ever did.

During our friendship, I would give him the keys to my room and he would do with it as he pleases, “as long as it is tidy, and nothing gets lost, I do not mind” I would usually say. He saw an opportunity and grabbed it with both hands. It started with the habit of wearing my slippers, and then he would wear my sweaters in cold or windy days. In a few weeks from then it had developed progressively, I would bump into him in campus and his whole outfit would consist of my clothes. I started to realise that he had been taking some of my possessions home with him and he would not return with them. At this stage, he had moved out of ress, he had been living at home due to Academic exclusion. I tried to get him to return my possessions but he came up with excuses every time, it is then when I realised that I had been robbed.

I blogged about the incident, thinking that he will realise that if he goes on, his reputation will be damaged and when I didn't achieve the desired results, I took it to the police and the small claims court. I finally got my things after raiding at his home with the police. As I collected my belongings, accompanied by his worst enemy, I looked at his ashamed face and the four roomed RDP house and felt some kind of shame and regret. I then took what was mine, walked out, and never looked back.

Losing Touch to Accessories, shoes and Handbags

Who has ever thought that I would go through 17 years of schooling and end up in a retail shop selling shoes and accessories, and actually be good at it? Well, guess what I for one never, not even daydreaming, thought that I will work as a sales assistant in one of the most provocative, trend setting retail store. The funny thing about it is that I loved doing it. I realised my ability put together a stunning outfit at a blink of an eye. I must admit the revelations took me by storm, it was as if a beast was unleashed and I had lost total control of myself into selling, and selling and making sure that I meet target. In the mist of all that craziness, I lost something important, I lost track of my dream.

The hanging thought at the back of my head, the thought that kept reminding me that I was born to do public relations. The one dressed in bright red, yelling at me: you were born to be grate at it and you have gone through five years of university to excel in the profession. That thought was starting to fade away. Two months into it and already, I was losing touch.

Then it suddenly hit me, while I was selling a matching shoe and purse to a well-known public figure. A sudden heat wave hit me, my heart started beating fast. I felt hot and I felt cold, I don’t know what I was feeling. it was as if i was moving from one universe to the next. I quickly went against the mirror on the wall to balance. I then started to cool down. It was shock. 

The voices in my head started questioning me, they were on the roll- "are you aware of where you are now? Where are you going? What happened to your dream? What’s your plan? Is this it? Is this where it will all end? You have forgotten the dream, your dream, your life, your career."

I took a deep breath, smiled to customer and made the fantastic sale. Thereafter, I took a pen and paper, went to the bathroom, and wrote the blog. I kept the promise to myself, that I will never again lose touch of my career to Accessories, shoes and Bags or anything else.

You are only as good as your last blog, live more.

No matter how creative you can be with your words, people are always going to rate you on your last blog. I’m going to be honest to you; these words haunted me to the utmost. I therefore decided that I will rather not blog, than to post something that makes total trash and not worth reading. Just like Adele (the British recording artist) said to a particular journalist when she was asked when will she record a new album since her current 21 scored 6 Grammy's- she said: “I have to live more, and then I will be able to write something just as good”. I was so inspired by her words that I had used to as an answer to this equation that kept haunting me. I have to live a bit more, and so, I lived.

August 2012: No Blog! I was up and about, putting together my life, tracing myself on the big map of the world, and there I was, in total isolation. How on earth did i end up there? No close friends, no job, money, but had access to the internet. It is amazing how the internet can suck you in, and you don't even realise that your world is falling apart. I had got to a point where i have almost lost all my friends, and i was OK with it. This is mainly because in the viral world i can make hundreds of them and when i'm sick of them i can easily delete them. no emotion attached to it. no guilt, nothing what so ever.  Reality kicked in and I had to get back on track, I had to get back on the roll.

Mid-August 2012: Job hunting is a nightmare, and a job on its own. With all the discouragement and emotional drama I was facing, I still managed to drop my Curriculum vitae in several organisations. I still believed that somehow, somewhere someone will hear my knock and open the door.

At times I would ask myself, why is it such a challenge to get a job when I have a degree that is equivalent to an Honours Degree? What went wrong? It was so difficult to even find a basic call centre job. I faced a lot of the “Don’t you think that you are over qualified for this position” “I’m scared that I will hire you and you will leave in the next 3 to 4 moths”. I moved from interview to interview, board room to board room trying to find my big brake and finally something, I do not even know how to measure it, small or big, and it was something. I was so grateful and I grabbed the opportunity with both arms. I said to myself, I’m going to make the most out of this job.

God knows all my prayers and somewhere mid-August, my prayer was answered, well I viewed it as a period of collecting experience. It is not the kind of job I was praying and wishing for, but hay, it’s something close and a good answer. I was in, and the choice was mine to make…

03 September 2012: First day. I started selling exclusive shoes at a boutique in an upmarket rich shopping complex. It was official, I was the sales assistant.   

24 Candles, 24 Wishes…

I’m alive. Twenty for years to the minute, I was born. I sit here on my couch, looking back at the past and wondering what the future hold in store for me. From the day I started crawling as a baby to the minute I walked on the graduation stage, I am grateful for the years that I have lived up to this far. A lot of people loved to see this day and they did not make it, so for every candle that I will put on my cake I will make a wish, and give gratitude.

Even though I do not have a huge party planned as before, where people dressed to the six and nines, walking around the club intoxicated, and having to deal with the fat bill when the party ends, it still feels as special as the other years. This time around a simple cake will do.

From the day I started crawling as a baby to the minute I walked on the graduation stage, I would like to thank God for everything. I would like to tell him that thanks for my Mother and Family, I’m grateful for the experience along the years. A friend of mine once said: “it’s not about how long you lived, but about what you have done while you were still alive.”

 A lot of people loved to see this day and they did not make it so for every candle that I will put on my cake I will make a wish and thank everyone who contributed to get me where I am today. To everyone who ever loved me, hated me, pushed me, pulled me back, funded me, motivated and supported me in any way, I’m grateful.