This is me

I am more that the tailored clothes that I put on, I’m nicer than the glasses I put on when the sun is shining bright.

I’m brilliant,  I’m smart, I’m an inquisitive being, I’m creative,  I am a fully spirited being with a heart compressed with ambition and dedication.

When people ask me to explain myself, my response is “I’m more of a Zulu artist”. I am driven by passion, emotions and feelings. “If it doesn't feel right then it is not right”, and I fall in love with whatever I do in order to bring out the best in it.

I am always positive, and believe that there is some degree of goodness and greatness in every person, therefore we need to give people a chance and that is where we will find the fun of getting to know the other person.

I’m a reader, a blogger, a motivator through written art (writing). I see a bright future ahead of me, it is so bright, I cant help it but put my glasses on. 

So, My Journey Continues...

It came a time where one chapter of my life ended and a new one began. I must say being stuck in one chapter of your life for about six months can be quiet frustrating. I would like to call it the hallelujah moment.  It was that moment when one gets hit by an unexpected full stop. I could not believe that this could be me, moving from one dramatic chapter to a more sophisticated and settled chapter.

I remember when it all started, “hello man, how are you?” and the response would be I am just looking thanks. I was trying so hard to sell a pair of shoes just to meet target, Just to impress my boss. The sad part about it all was that I had no direction; I was looking for something to brake me from that retail horror.  And the moment had finally come. The Hallelujah moment had arrived, that moment where my efforts of studying for seventeen years had come to reward me.

"I could feel it in my blood; I could smell it in the air"

A new Chapter has begun a chapter where I am the communications Science Lecture at a well-recognised private institution. On my first day I knew that I was meant to be here. I could feel it in my blood; I could smell it in the air. The time has come, and all I need to do is to prove what I can do. 

Hello New Chapter, I have arrived…

I am Alive, I am revived.

  

“What is a guy like you, with a B.Tech degree doing in retail?”

In life we are all looking for something, that thing that will make us feel complete. This thing for some people is marriage, or some its money and happiness or success and Education. While we are looking for these element to make our lives feel complete we face hardships, then we tend to forget where we are going.

The question shattered me, even though it was received through a phone call. I will not lie to you, I was not only hit by the brick of truth, I was baptised with the showers of reality. I felt like someone slid a block of ice in my shirt and it went sliding down my spine slowly as I listened to the sound of his breath on the other side of the line. I could not even defend myself; I was guilty of not having a dream, of not having the passion to move up, of not being me, the guy who was always at the top. I was sentenced by a caller. “You need to stand up and give it you 150%, somewhere out there, your dream is waiting for you” That second statement sealed it.  I had to get out of the comfort zone and start pushing and knocking at doors until an answer is given.  

Even though I was alone in that room, I felt so exposed and guilty. I had to do something, I had to dream again, I had to wake up the old me, and that was how I got revived. I am now alive, and I will never lose focus…

IT IS A PAINFUL AFFAIR

When I am home I am happy with my secret
It embraces me and keeps near

In public it confronts me
It hits me. It is hard
Outside it reminds me
It nags me
It irks me
Outside I am an outsider
Outside it reminds me
It stops me from smiling
It says, "weirdo you are not normal. You are not one of us"
It shuts me up
It gags me
It restricts me

The hateful glare of judgment keeps me glued to my secret

At home the walls don't judge
They don't have a look of disdain and disgust about them
They are silent and cold
But my secrets stays close
It spoons with me. It is warm
We have our problems
We fight
Then we remember
I'm nothing without it
 I am a freak without it
That I need to keep it
I embrace it and we make out

It is an opera, isn't it?

I need to tell you
My secret is abusive
It is intrusive
It doesn't want me to have friends
It doesn't want to leave me alone
I don't want it to leave


This poem was written by a close friend Takatso... I see the talent burning inside you, please answer the calling...

Keep going, Move with Patience

2012 I learned the Value of moving towards the light with patience. After 17 years of schooling and working, with no break in between my life came to a stand still for about 8 months. It was total darkness and I kept on believing in the light that seemed like a small shiny star at the end of the tunnel. I read as many inspirational books just to keep away from the negative questions that kept running in my mind. But then I remembered my motto in life, Move. If I had to get to the light I had to keep moving and believing that I will get to the light.

If you don’t move, then you are not going to get anywhere. I recall a time in 2011, when I asked one of my colleague at a company I was volunteering what was her motto and she said; “never get too comfortable” and when she asked me what was mine, I said MOVE! Yes, one word with just four letters.  Move, a word so small and yet it has a great impact in my life. I believe that in order to know our true potential, and know who we really are, what we can become and what we are made of, we need to move. In order for a person to move, he or she needs to be motivated.

September I came face to face with the light and I thank GOD for the blessings in my life and I still believe that more will come my way sometime in the future.  

The worst thing I ever did.

It is January 25^th, 2011. My bus arrives in the mother city and everything looks just as it is on the catalogue. It is official, I have arrived at my destination and I have 6 hours to register, check in at the newly built student residence.

Once registration was complete, I took a look at my watch and it was 15:20, there was no time to waste. I was left with 40 minutes to check-in, and I had to make it fast. With no time for taking a breath I dragged my bag across the campus, trying to keep up with time.

When I got to there I found a long line. This is where I met the Stranger whom I made a friend, later he became my best friend then turned into the enemy. He became the biggest mistake I have ever done. He was born in the Eastern Cape and grew up in the dusty streets of Strandfontein in the Western Cape. Just like everybody else he had a dream to become something, with that goal in common we stood in line and an hour later we found ourselves in front. I had received a single room since I was a post graduate student, and he shared with three others. Much later, I made the effort to make him my friend and trust him with my whole life and possessions even though I had just known him for a month, and that was the biggest mistake I ever did.

During our friendship, I would give him the keys to my room and he would do with it as he pleases, “as long as it is tidy, and nothing gets lost, I do not mind” I would usually say. He saw an opportunity and grabbed it with both hands. It started with the habit of wearing my slippers, and then he would wear my sweaters in cold or windy days. In a few weeks from then it had developed progressively, I would bump into him in campus and his whole outfit would consist of my clothes. I started to realise that he had been taking some of my possessions home with him and he would not return with them. At this stage, he had moved out of ress, he had been living at home due to Academic exclusion. I tried to get him to return my possessions but he came up with excuses every time, it is then when I realised that I had been robbed.

I blogged about the incident, thinking that he will realise that if he goes on, his reputation will be damaged and when I didn't achieve the desired results, I took it to the police and the small claims court. I finally got my things after raiding at his home with the police. As I collected my belongings, accompanied by his worst enemy, I looked at his ashamed face and the four roomed RDP house and felt some kind of shame and regret. I then took what was mine, walked out, and never looked back.

Losing Touch to Accessories, shoes and Handbags

Who has ever thought that I would go through 17 years of schooling and end up in a retail shop selling shoes and accessories, and actually be good at it? Well, guess what I for one never, not even daydreaming, thought that I will work as a sales assistant in one of the most provocative, trend setting retail store. The funny thing about it is that I loved doing it. I realised my ability put together a stunning outfit at a blink of an eye. I must admit the revelations took me by storm, it was as if a beast was unleashed and I had lost total control of myself into selling, and selling and making sure that I meet target. In the mist of all that craziness, I lost something important, I lost track of my dream.

The hanging thought at the back of my head, the thought that kept reminding me that I was born to do public relations. The one dressed in bright red, yelling at me: you were born to be grate at it and you have gone through five years of university to excel in the profession. That thought was starting to fade away. Two months into it and already, I was losing touch.

Then it suddenly hit me, while I was selling a matching shoe and purse to a well-known public figure. A sudden heat wave hit me, my heart started beating fast. I felt hot and I felt cold, I don’t know what I was feeling. it was as if i was moving from one universe to the next. I quickly went against the mirror on the wall to balance. I then started to cool down. It was shock. 

The voices in my head started questioning me, they were on the roll- "are you aware of where you are now? Where are you going? What happened to your dream? What’s your plan? Is this it? Is this where it will all end? You have forgotten the dream, your dream, your life, your career."

I took a deep breath, smiled to customer and made the fantastic sale. Thereafter, I took a pen and paper, went to the bathroom, and wrote the blog. I kept the promise to myself, that I will never again lose touch of my career to Accessories, shoes and Bags or anything else.

You are only as good as your last blog, live more.

No matter how creative you can be with your words, people are always going to rate you on your last blog. I’m going to be honest to you; these words haunted me to the utmost. I therefore decided that I will rather not blog, than to post something that makes total trash and not worth reading. Just like Adele (the British recording artist) said to a particular journalist when she was asked when will she record a new album since her current 21 scored 6 Grammy's- she said: “I have to live more, and then I will be able to write something just as good”. I was so inspired by her words that I had used to as an answer to this equation that kept haunting me. I have to live a bit more, and so, I lived.

August 2012: No Blog! I was up and about, putting together my life, tracing myself on the big map of the world, and there I was, in total isolation. How on earth did i end up there? No close friends, no job, money, but had access to the internet. It is amazing how the internet can suck you in, and you don't even realise that your world is falling apart. I had got to a point where i have almost lost all my friends, and i was OK with it. This is mainly because in the viral world i can make hundreds of them and when i'm sick of them i can easily delete them. no emotion attached to it. no guilt, nothing what so ever.  Reality kicked in and I had to get back on track, I had to get back on the roll.

Mid-August 2012: Job hunting is a nightmare, and a job on its own. With all the discouragement and emotional drama I was facing, I still managed to drop my Curriculum vitae in several organisations. I still believed that somehow, somewhere someone will hear my knock and open the door.

At times I would ask myself, why is it such a challenge to get a job when I have a degree that is equivalent to an Honours Degree? What went wrong? It was so difficult to even find a basic call centre job. I faced a lot of the “Don’t you think that you are over qualified for this position” “I’m scared that I will hire you and you will leave in the next 3 to 4 moths”. I moved from interview to interview, board room to board room trying to find my big brake and finally something, I do not even know how to measure it, small or big, and it was something. I was so grateful and I grabbed the opportunity with both arms. I said to myself, I’m going to make the most out of this job.

God knows all my prayers and somewhere mid-August, my prayer was answered, well I viewed it as a period of collecting experience. It is not the kind of job I was praying and wishing for, but hay, it’s something close and a good answer. I was in, and the choice was mine to make…

03 September 2012: First day. I started selling exclusive shoes at a boutique in an upmarket rich shopping complex. It was official, I was the sales assistant.   

24 Candles, 24 Wishes…

I’m alive. Twenty for years to the minute, I was born. I sit here on my couch, looking back at the past and wondering what the future hold in store for me. From the day I started crawling as a baby to the minute I walked on the graduation stage, I am grateful for the years that I have lived up to this far. A lot of people loved to see this day and they did not make it, so for every candle that I will put on my cake I will make a wish, and give gratitude.

Even though I do not have a huge party planned as before, where people dressed to the six and nines, walking around the club intoxicated, and having to deal with the fat bill when the party ends, it still feels as special as the other years. This time around a simple cake will do.

From the day I started crawling as a baby to the minute I walked on the graduation stage, I would like to thank God for everything. I would like to tell him that thanks for my Mother and Family, I’m grateful for the experience along the years. A friend of mine once said: “it’s not about how long you lived, but about what you have done while you were still alive.”

 A lot of people loved to see this day and they did not make it so for every candle that I will put on my cake I will make a wish and thank everyone who contributed to get me where I am today. To everyone who ever loved me, hated me, pushed me, pulled me back, funded me, motivated and supported me in any way, I’m grateful. 

I should have said yes!

As humans, we make decisions everyday in our lives. We make a decision to wake up in the morning, to go to school, or to work. We make a decisions on which shoes to wear, which tie to wear, weather to put on make-up or not.


Some decisions are made unconsciously. Most importantly we take decisions for our own survival. Most of the time, we do things to fit in to the requirements of society. Therefore our decisions are largely shaped by society at large.

There comes a time in all of our lives where we get to pull the “should have” “would have” “could have” cards. In life we take decisions, and we sometimes forget that these decisions we mate will catch-up with us later in the future. 


A certain friend of mine once decided on playing the lottery, he had all the numbers written down on a piece of paper, and felt strongly about these numbers. This guy gave so much passion to winning with these numbers. When he got to the play station he decided not to play because he does not believe in gambling.

Guess what, the numbers did not come out on that night, but they did on the following week. He regrets holding back those numbers till this day. "Damn, I should have said yes to that feeling, and that instinct". There is nothing that we can do once the final decision is taken.

The only thing that we can do is let go of the “should have” “could have” “would have”, take responsibility for our actions, reboot and move on. 

The Winds of Change

This is an Original Poem by me.

I hear the winds of change blowing.

She was told to face the demon

Not knowing that the demon was right under her nose,

Right Under her heart beat.

The Demon was messaging her soul into Confusion,

Confusion pilling up in her mind leading her to no conclusion.

Oh Little mama, close your eyes and hear the winds of change blowing.

It was between sunrise and sunset.

When she stood under the boilling bood.

And her facace was filled with tears of promise.

And with her bags packed for a better tomorrow.

It was right there mama, Right there…

When she heard the winds of change blowing.

Ow little mama close your eyes and feel the winds of change blowing.

I HEAR THE WINDS OF CHANGE BLOWING…

I Hear The Winds Of Change Blowing…

I hear the winds of change blowing…

Its Graduations Again, B.tech Public Relations Baby

Finally the day has come again. It is by far my greatest achievement. The celebrations were set to be held at the Multi-Purpose hall at the Cape Peninsular University of Technology, Cape Town Campus. The time of event was doted for exactly 10:00. All guests are required to be seated at exactly 09:30, as if that will ever happen. With excitement boiling in our systems, we found ourselves at the photographers tend outside the venue trying to get past the long line to book for our pictures to be taken. At five minutes past ten, we were all seated, waiting for the faculty to walk in.

The music played, while the faculty blessed us with their presence. A lot was being said, but I hardly remember what exactly, what I can remember is that from the second we were told that the ceremony was broadcast live, my friend and I started looking around for the camera every now and then, and yelled for our friends as they went on stage.

The moment came when I was on stage. That Oprah moment! All eyes were on me as I took the walk of success. I smiled, and right there in the crowd, my cousin yelled for me and my friends followed the suit. I think my ears where blocked from all the excitement, but I heard the sound of the flash as I took my steps towards when vice-chancellor. “Well done Siyabonga, you have done us proud, Come again” that was the first time I have ever heard this woman’s voice, and she smiled at me while she said that to me. I was now more than motivated. I went on to take my last picture on stage and moved on to backstage. The ceremony went on till its end.

Now it was time for celebration, I went to take countless pictures with classmates, family and friends. And later went on to embrace Long Street with my presence. Finally I am a post graduate, and no one can take that away from me.

One thing I learnt from being a tutor at CPUT whilst studying is that when you are given the responsibility to educate, you not only give skills and knowledge to student, you also learn new things, theories and ways to doing things. I learnt to be patient, professional and always be accommodating to other people. I also realised that working as a team is better than working alone. Therefore, if you are going to be working alone, ask for opinions and ideas from other people.

 

Dear Patrick at Heart and Stroke Foundation South Africa

Hi Lawrence

I trust you are keeping well and have been able exercise your creative ideas.

I’m am just enquiring if you have found fulltime  employment as yet, if not, please contact me .

Hoping to hear from you soon.

Warm Regards

PATRICK ADAMSON

Programme Director: HR/IR

The Heart and Stroke Foundation SA                  

_______________________________________________________

Dear Patrick

Sorry for the late reply. I only notice you e-mail now, pilled under all the junk mail that come into this mailbox. Besides the fact that I have gained a little bit of weight and my parents keep telling me that I will be fat in a year, I am doing so fantastic. I have been a very productive couch potato, I have been logging onto the internet, applying for jobs week in and week out, clean the dishes and get glued to the TV screen while I wait for a call for an interview.

I have literally tried half the job agencies and all they can provide me with is a part time Call Centre job. Here is a classic at MULTICHOICE Africa, I was fashionably rejected for a call centre job because I am {here is the word} Over Qualified. I have gotten used to being so rejected; it is as if I needed it more to survive, than to take a breath of oxygen. It is very tough to find job in Gauteng. If it’s not your “over qualified”, then it is “you don’t have enough experience”. Regardless of the ups and downs, I still have the spirit. And I know that sometime soon, someone will open the door.

On a lighter note, I graduated last month on the 19^th April 2012. I did not have much time on my hands as I arrived on a Tuesday and left on the Friday. It was a fantastic short trip.

In conclusion, Thanks for checking up on me it means a lot that I am being missed at HSFSA, I surely miss you too. I am currently unemployed and searching though websites, newspapers, and agents. But the greatest part is, I’m in no hurry, a good job will come when the time is right.

Yours Sincerely

Lawrence

Good friendships come to an end (The Cursing Addiction)

After 15 years of friendship I had to say goodbye. There is a belief that people come into our lives to serve a particular purpose and after that purpose has been served, there is no longer a need for those people.

The period came when I realised it is about time that I moved on from the heavy drinking, second hand smoking and sleeping out for days without having any worry about having to take a bath. “As long as we brush out teeth chomi, and wipe the relevant parts of our bodies, we are good to go!” In my whole existence I have never thought that a time will come when these words will come out of my mouth! Well there you go! My vomit…

The other thing about this friendship is that, it was linked to other friendships that I kept for about five years and they too were not so healthy. If we were not drinking and driving, waiting for someone to finish getting laid in the toilet in a club, we were bailing someone at a police station. It was the greatest and most fun time of my life. Shit! Those times were fucken fun hay!

Another thing, when I was friends with these guys, I cursed like crazy! And it sure damn fucken felt great after it! It all started as a joke, and gradually developed to a habit, and from a habit to an uncontrollable beast. I would wake up in the morning and call them just to take a hit. It was as if I was addicted to this cursing drug. It was as if I needed to curse more than I needed to take the last breath of oxygen to survive! “Hello bitch, you bloody slut!” “You fucked-up piece of hopeless trash” I loved saying it, it felt satisfying to my soul. Something was wrong, and the only way to end all this madness was out.

Ye  Ye Ye! I did try all that, after returning from my year trip from Cape Town I kind of tried to face the beast (cursing addiction) but I was viewed as the educated bitch who is trying to change who they really are. I wish them the best with their lives, and hope they get to be where I am standing, in order for them to see from this view, that this friendship is fucked up! and beyond repair.

So here am I, trashing 15 years of friendship, others 5 and others 3. The situation is beyond my control and personally, I believe that we no longer want the same things in life. I need to grow intellectually, spiritually, emotionally and most importantly educationally. oh damn, I needed new friends, and most importantly I needed a new book to read!

The moral of the story is that while some people grow, some don’t. No matter how long you may have known a person there will come a time where you don’t have the same views to life. And if you decide to stay in this friendship, you constantly keep clashing, repeating the same mistakes over and over again. It became so clear that I had to move on. Look around you are you friendships perfect or they are Justas fucked up as mine?   

The Need or Want to Belong

Maslow has identified the human needs, and he explains that these needs are like a pyramid. The basic needs in the bottom need to be fulfilled in order to fulfil the other needs upper on the pyramid. Among these needs, he identifies that as humans we have the need to belong to a particular group or society.

We sometime find ourselves surprised in random groups. Well I found myself surprised in a group with friends who do not share the same vision in life with me. As I go through the pictures I took with these people along the years, I cannot help to ask myself as to how could I have spent six years of my life with these people and be so blind?

Was I just fulfilling this need to belong to a social group? Or fulfilling needs to be loved and be listened to by friends, regardless of what they believed in or how they lived their lives. If so, then how valid are these statements that say: “birds of the same flock fly together”, “you are who you hang out with”.

I have been a complete different bird that flew with a different flock and did not realise it until my need was satisfied. Is that what life has come up to be? To adapt, integrate, fulfil the need and move on?

My blessings- one by one

I would like to thank the lord my God for all the blessings that I have received, and all the ones coming.

1.      Thanks for Love

2.     Thanks for My parents especially my mother.

3.     Thanks for my loving brother and sister

4.    Thanks for my gran parents

5.     Thanks for all my cousins who support me and who want to see me prosper.

6.    Thanks for the rest of my family who intend good for my existence.

7.     My neighbours, whom I grew up under and they still encourage me with great words and actions.

8.    Thanks for every friend that I had, and still have in my life.

9.    The clothes that I have as well as the shoes that I walk on.

10.The roof the covers me and gives me protection.

11.   The cell phone that I have

12. The laptop that was bought by my mother to me.

13. The internet connection that costs my mother 200 monthly.

14. The fantastic private school that I attended and completed my matric

15. The blessing of attending two different universities.

16.Thanks for the diploma and the bursary that I got.

17. Thanks for feeding me throughout my diploma studying period.

18.Thanks for the B.tech Degree and all the blessings while studying.

19.Thanks for my intelligence.

20.                       Thanks to every Certificate that I have achieved throughout my studying career.

21. Thanks for my bible, for it gives me light when it is dark.

22.                        Thanks for the Methodist Church.

23.                        Thanks for the Guilders and friends I made in Cape Town.

24.                       Thanks for Wesley guild

25.                        Thanks for every penny that landed in my pocket.

26.                       Thanks for every job that I had in the past.

27.                        Thanks for every wonderful somebody that I have ever worked with.

28.                       Thanks for every material thing that I have in my room.

29.                       Thanks for the spirit that drives me and makes me to feel the way that I do.

30.                       Thanks for my existence today and for all my knowledge.

31. Thanks to all the blessings in the past and the many more that are about to come.

Thank You, Baie Dankie, Ndiyabulela, Niyakhensa, ngiyabonga, I am grateful to God for all my blessings. 

Unemployed Anonymous

Hello my name is Lawrence… and I am a 23 year old Unemployed Graduate. 

I have practically being studying all my life since kinder Garden up until last year.  In South Africa almost everybody who does not have connections is bound to land where I am, unemployed, penniless and with a room filled with Wednesday and Sunday newspapers. 

It is the first time ever in my life where I reach a moment where I do not have anything to do but look for employment.  Straight from High School I enrolled at a University of Technology with the hope that I will get both the experience and education. Well that worked quiet well if I may highlight until I got screwed by my own employer at a particular Branding solutions company where I earned as little as R1800 + commission. My salary largely depended on a commission of 12% and the very same person who will receive the remaining 88% stole my client. Therefore I packed my bags and got off the sinking titanic. 

I went back to studying so I can graduate for my diploma and make it to the B.tech Class of 2011. Fortunately with qualifying marks of 48% and 51% I managed to make it to a 60% and 63% and graduated with dignity knowing that I made it to the B.tech Class. And a year later I find myself back at home, looking for employment with an intimidating Degree.

A particular book that a friend of mine is reading Sais; “when your life falls apart, it does not all happen in one stage. It is a process” It quiet got me wondering for three months whether if that’s practically true. You first lose your clothes bit by bit, and then you lose your scholarship, leading you to be in depth with the University, and then you lose your friends one by one. You do not realise that all this is happening until you get to that moment when your phone stopped ringing as much as it used to when you were employed.

How do you react to a situation when even the people you thought that you can count on have turned their backs on you or have forgotten all about you? I suddenly felt a chill and heard that small voice saying: You are now living the life of the temporally boke, plan less and no longer so interesting somebody, until you get employed again or if you go to school and rely on the monthly allowance again! And let me say, I am far from accepting defeat.

The more I kept digging for a employment, posting my resumes to organisation, logging onto the internet and going to government department to fill in the Z83 forms and going to hopeless interviews with the hope that I will at least get an answer, the more money had to come out from my pocket. It’s true what they say, “It is a job to get a job” and that is no laughing matter.

It’s been three months and I still sit with the hope that sometime sooner or later, a door will open. And somehow God will bless me more than I expect him to.  Thank you.